My Child You Never Knew....

April is THE month for Birthdays in this home. Yesterday marked the 12th year that I delivered Adriana Nicole; our first born, the child you never knew..... Last week I pulled out the only memories I have from my first born. A little sleeper she never got to wear, photos, sympathy cards and the baby book that we received from the funeral home. I wanted to "reconnect" with my little girl that I never really got to know. In the midst of going through everything, I pulled out the envelope that holds the letter I wrote for her while she was still in my womb.-This was written before we knew she was "sick" with Trisomy 13. It reads like this....
Darling sweet baby of mine, you have been growing within me for a total of three months now.-It has been the most wonderful three months of my whole life! Daddy and I waited a very long time for you. One whole year went past when we decided to seek the help of the doctors. After another long and tiresome three months of being at the doctor, while having been poked and prodded with needles, and doing many uncomfortable things every week, you were finally conceived.-Oct. 7, 1996 to be exact on the date.(This is grandma's birthday, what a gift!) I'll never forget when the nurse called me at work to tell me the good news. I was truly amazed and so grateful to God for answering our long cried out prayer. From the moment I found out you were growing within me, all of the hurt, pain, confusion, and frustration all left me. All I could think of was in nine short months we'd being meeting our precious little angel sent from above for the first time! You were truly wanted my dear sweet baby, and daddy and I will love you so very much until the day we go home to be with the Lord!

Little did I know when I wrote this note, that she would be going "home" much sooner than I ever imagined....At 19 weeks we found out that Adriana had Trisomy 13 which is a genetic disorder. The doctors strongly encouraged us to abort her, by we knew that was definantly NOT an option. They said to prepare ourselves for her to pass at any time.-These "type" of babies rarely survive in the womb for long. Days weeks and even months passed, and I thought sure God was going to allow us some time with our baby girl. I began gathering books from the library so Mark and I could educate ourselves on how to care for a Trisomy 13 baby. Then at 32 weeks, I delivered her stillborn. 2lb. 2oz. with a head of jet black hair. Her tiny feet were the most perfect thing on her precious little body. Ten tiny little toes. As is common with Trisomy babies, she had an extra pinky on her left hand. Her ears were perfectly formed, yet set low on her head.-Also very common. The most striking thing was she didn't have a nose. I know this is very difficult to imagine, but even this didn't come to a surprise to me. I remember very clearly when I showed mom her ultrasound profile at just 19 weeks I said, "Look mom, it doesn't look like she has a nose.." Mom's reply, " That's silly Kelly, every baby has a nose..." Yet my little angel didn't. When the doctor presented her to me, I simply said, "Huh, she doesn't have a nose..." I think God was preparing me for this back in the beginning. After delivering her, the hospital let us spend as much time with her as we needed. They dressed her and brought her to me in a little moses basket. Family was there and a few very dear friends. I got some photos, but oh how I wish I would have taken more... I have nothing to remember those precious little tiny feet by. I didn't allow my friend to take photos of me with her, which now I surely regret. The hardest thing for me was to hand her back over to the nurses and to go up to my room empty handed. Even harder leaving the hospital with empty arms..... Adriana was not "perfect" by the world' s standards but to me she was BEAUTIFUL. My heart still aches for what never was with her. God has surely blessed me with an abundance of children, but I still feel an emptiness and like our family just isn't complete... As I was thinking about her yesterday, I began to wonder if they celebrate Birthdays in heaven? I began to think about once again what she may look like. I don't know why, but I envision her with hair down to the middle of her back the color of her daddy's with soft waves. Her eyes are also the color of her daddy's. I do know that she is fully restored now, with no imperfections. I do know that when I go "home" that she will be at heavens gate waiting for me along with some very special loved ones that have already passed on...